Slow Down Vivie!

I am constantly amazed at how much time flies as I get older. I remember as a child waiting for something exciting like Christmas or my birthday, and it seemed like it took forever. Now I am lucky if I even have time to breathe before another significant event rolls around.
Vivie's milestones seem to be approaching one after another, and it seems as though before I can even write something down, she is achieving something else. I had no idea how excited I would get over her grabbing a toy or finding her feet. When excitement used to consist of a manicure, a new dress, and a night out with my friends, it now consists of a Saturday night on the couch while Shane and I watch Vivie just simply exist.

The mixture of emotions surrounding Vivie's milestones is still very confusing for me. As I grow excited to see what this little miracle can accomplish next, I feel this overwhelming sense of wanting to freeze her in time as a 6 month old baby. Yesterday as I was watching her on the monitor around 10 p.m., I saw her pick up her pacifier and try to put it back in her mouth. I watched her for a minute, and Shane said "mommy to the rescue." As I go into her nursery, I discover that she has the paci in her mouth and is back to sleep. To most this probably seems like a major victory, and there are thoughts of her growing more independent and not needing me to give her the pacifier 10 times a day. However, my feelings are rather bittersweet; it was the first time I felt like this was her first step to independence. Most people probably think that is a little silly, but for a mommy who likes feeling needed by her sweet little girl this is a big deal. Shane then laughingly tells me that she will still need me at 45, but as I watch her grow everyday, all I want to do is stop time for a little while. The sense of making of her so happy by just by helping her with her pacifier is very gratifying for me, and it is peaceful for me to know that her lost paci is her biggest problem right now.

Today Vivie is beginning to hold her bottle with both of her little hands, and can even manage to get it into her mouth. Once again, I had this overwhelming feeling of slow down! These feelings are probably connected to the fact that I am about to start back to work and for the first time in 6 months, and she will be away from me all day, 5 days a week. (More on that emotional breakdown later!)
As I watch her each day, my heart leaps with love, excitement,  and joy, and sinks with the thought of the inevitable passing of time. As we approach more and more milestones, I can't help but wonder how I am going to ever let her go not to just to daycare, but to school, to her first sleepover, on her first date, to college, down the aisle, I could go on and on. As I say my prayers today, I am praying to soak up every minute of joy with her, every seemingly small thing she accomplishes, her love, her tears, her smiles, her coos, her baths, her playtime, and everything in between.

Now if I am being realistic, there have been many things that I am glad to be done with, and some that I am looking forward to leaving behind. I don't really miss those sleepless nights, when Vivie's reflux kept her up every hour. Or swaddling, and reswaddling, and reswaddling when she would break free and cry. I am ready to not be a walking burp cloth covered in spitup. I am kind of ready for her to be able to sit up in a grocery cart. And maybe I could do without all these messy diapers! Even with all of that said, the joy she brings is unparalleled to anything I could have ever expected, and all those not so pleasant things are not even all that bad.

One minute she is holding her bottle on her own, and I know it is going to seem like a minute later she is driving off to college. I had no idea how significant all of these little things would be, and how bittersweet it would be to watch her grow, until the one big thing, my boundless love for her arrived on February 2nd 2011.