Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder?

So we are now almost 1 week away from the day I have been anxious about since I brought Vivie home from the hospital; August 3rd is her first day of daycare. What a fun summer we have had, with 2 vacations, having lunch with our friends, going to the pool, and just hanging out at home together. I have been so fortunate to have six months with my precious girl, but duty calls and it is time to head back to the Beech. I have missed my teacher friends, discussing literature and writing, and my classroom, but it is going to be so hard to leave Vivie.

I am having mixed emotions surrounding the return to school. I know it will be great to see everyone and get back into what I feel like I was called to do, but I had no idea how difficult it would be to get ready to leave her. I know so many working mothers experience this, but I guess before I had a baby I never really thought much about it. I thought I would be ready to return since I have always loved teaching my students, but the thought of being away from my baby all day five days a weeks is becoming rather hard for me to comprehend. I feel like she is seared into my heart, and when I leave her, half of me will be left behind as well. However, I am trying to remember the fact that at least I love my job, my colleagues, and my students, and I do get a lot of time off as a teacher.

My prayer for this last week of summer vacation is peace. Not only for me, but for all the students that will be returning to school, the teachers, administrators, and all those hard working moms that have to leave their sweet babies everyday.  I am going to miss those lazy mornings with Vivie, snuggling her and watching her play. I am going to miss rocking her before her naps, watching her sleep, and feeding her. I know she will be well taken care of and will probably learn so much more than I could ever teach her, but there are no words to describe how much I am going to miss having her by my side everyday.

But if you know me, I am not a pessimist, nor do I tend to stay down for very long and feel sorry for myself. So as I approach this major milestone I think I am going to try to channel some of Vivie's personality and try to smile, smile, smile through the day and know that I am fortunate in the fact that I will get to pick her up at 3:30 and squeeze her tighter than ever before. I am trying to think about those mommys that are serving in Iraq, or working two jobs to make ends meet, or traveling all the time. Why do I feel so sad when I get to do what I love and spend summers with her, and spring breaks, and Christmas breaks? Why do I feel sad knowing that she is going to be safe and learning all sorts of great things, and learning how to interact with others? Even though my soul feels like it is being split in two, I am going to try to focus on what's important. And for me that is knowing that God has blessed me with the ability to teach and the wonderful job of being a mommy, and I am going to try and do both the best I can. I know there are going to be lots of tears shed, as they are being shed as I write this, but I hope Vivie will one day be able to look at her mommy and be proud.

But for now, as I try not to be a hysterical crying mess on August 3rd, life is feeling a little bit hard and sad. I know if Vivie was able to be aware of what was going to happen next week I am sure she would be completely embarrassed by her crazy mommy. Hopefully she reads this one day and knows how my heart is aching and understands that it was because of the depths of my love for her and forgives me for all the times I am sure I will be embarrassing her through my emotional breakdowns. I guess we will cross that bridge later, for now I am just focusing on driving away for her daycare and not killing someone on Long Hollow Pike as I bawl my eyes out!