Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder?

So we are now almost 1 week away from the day I have been anxious about since I brought Vivie home from the hospital; August 3rd is her first day of daycare. What a fun summer we have had, with 2 vacations, having lunch with our friends, going to the pool, and just hanging out at home together. I have been so fortunate to have six months with my precious girl, but duty calls and it is time to head back to the Beech. I have missed my teacher friends, discussing literature and writing, and my classroom, but it is going to be so hard to leave Vivie.

I am having mixed emotions surrounding the return to school. I know it will be great to see everyone and get back into what I feel like I was called to do, but I had no idea how difficult it would be to get ready to leave her. I know so many working mothers experience this, but I guess before I had a baby I never really thought much about it. I thought I would be ready to return since I have always loved teaching my students, but the thought of being away from my baby all day five days a weeks is becoming rather hard for me to comprehend. I feel like she is seared into my heart, and when I leave her, half of me will be left behind as well. However, I am trying to remember the fact that at least I love my job, my colleagues, and my students, and I do get a lot of time off as a teacher.

My prayer for this last week of summer vacation is peace. Not only for me, but for all the students that will be returning to school, the teachers, administrators, and all those hard working moms that have to leave their sweet babies everyday.  I am going to miss those lazy mornings with Vivie, snuggling her and watching her play. I am going to miss rocking her before her naps, watching her sleep, and feeding her. I know she will be well taken care of and will probably learn so much more than I could ever teach her, but there are no words to describe how much I am going to miss having her by my side everyday.

But if you know me, I am not a pessimist, nor do I tend to stay down for very long and feel sorry for myself. So as I approach this major milestone I think I am going to try to channel some of Vivie's personality and try to smile, smile, smile through the day and know that I am fortunate in the fact that I will get to pick her up at 3:30 and squeeze her tighter than ever before. I am trying to think about those mommys that are serving in Iraq, or working two jobs to make ends meet, or traveling all the time. Why do I feel so sad when I get to do what I love and spend summers with her, and spring breaks, and Christmas breaks? Why do I feel sad knowing that she is going to be safe and learning all sorts of great things, and learning how to interact with others? Even though my soul feels like it is being split in two, I am going to try to focus on what's important. And for me that is knowing that God has blessed me with the ability to teach and the wonderful job of being a mommy, and I am going to try and do both the best I can. I know there are going to be lots of tears shed, as they are being shed as I write this, but I hope Vivie will one day be able to look at her mommy and be proud.

But for now, as I try not to be a hysterical crying mess on August 3rd, life is feeling a little bit hard and sad. I know if Vivie was able to be aware of what was going to happen next week I am sure she would be completely embarrassed by her crazy mommy. Hopefully she reads this one day and knows how my heart is aching and understands that it was because of the depths of my love for her and forgives me for all the times I am sure I will be embarrassing her through my emotional breakdowns. I guess we will cross that bridge later, for now I am just focusing on driving away for her daycare and not killing someone on Long Hollow Pike as I bawl my eyes out!

Name Change

So after much agonizing, I have decided to change the name of the blog. My perfectionist tendencies are overwhelming at times, and after spending what seemed like hours creating "The Color of My Life", a new title came to me, not from a literary giant such as Virginia Woolf, but from none other than the country music giant Kenny Chesney.
Those of you that know me well, know all about my affection for Kenny. Those of you that have been to a concert with me know how serious I am about my love for him. A few days ago I was doing one of my favorite things: cooking, listening to Kenny Chesney, and singing to Vivie while she was in sitting in her bumbo. His song Don't Blink started and I was thinking about all the things I have mused over in my blog recently. Suddenly that seemed like the perfect title for what I am attempting to capture through all of this emotional expression.

I asked Shane for his opinion and he thought it was a better title since it was a better definition of the whole purpose of the blog. I don't think Shane is a huge Virginia Woolf fan anyway, therefore he was not too attached to the original title. :)
So after thinking about it for a few days and spending way too much energy over something that is not really that big of a deal, I decided that I am going to change the title to Don't Blink. That mantra is one of my goals in life, especially now. As I have mentioned in previous blogs, after the birth of Vivie my perspective has shifted now to the little things and basking in her sunshine. So with that being said, each day is dedicated to watching her grow and flourish. I know it's going to be difficult not to get caught up in work, bills, exhaustion, etc. but I am going to try. I already feel like I blinked and she is now almost sitting up, getting ready for baby food, and holding her own bottle. Granted those first few months were filled with sleepless nights and a tired I had never experienced before. So for now my goal for each day is to just let my heart fill up with the joy of Shane and Vivie, and understand that this is an amazingly wonderful day, just because I have the two of them to share my life with.
I hope you will enjoy reading Don't Blink, and it will offer anyone who chooses to read it some inspiration to spread some love, happiness, excitement, laughter, and blessings.

Vivie in Florida Part 2

What a lucky baby Vivie is; she is not even six months old and she has already been to the beach twice! We are blessed with such a great family, who always likes to have fun!
This trip was planned by Shane's dad, Steve, and it was another major success for Vivie! However, things started off a little shaky as we left on Friday afternoon. Steve, Grace, Selah, Shane, and I decided to drive down to Montgomery, stay the night, and then finish the drive to Destin on Saturday morning. Vivie did great in the car, and around 11 p.m. we decided to stop outside Montgomery. Once we stopped, every single hotel at that exit was booked, but one of the desk clerks reassured us that there would definitely be hotels available about an hour away, so we decided to keep going. And going, and going, and going. Every single hotel room was booked even in Destin, so we resigned ourselves to the fact that we would have to sleep in our cars. Finally Steve found 2 rooms at a Motel 6, but they were smoking rooms. Yuck! The smell was awful, but we made it through for the 6 hours we were there. We were so ready to check into our condo!

Once we arrived at the condo on Saturday the trip was great. Sloan and Ginny came down with the girls, followed by Uncle LoLo. Vivie had such a great time being entertained by all her cousins, and mommy loved that Vivie spent her early mornings with Papa! Papa was so sweet to let mommy and daddy sleep in while he fed, changed, and played with Vivie.
Vivie loved the pool, and had a great time on the beach, except for when Shane sat down with her and the tide rolled in and a giant wave almost took her out! She was not a fan of that at all! Luckily Daddy held on to her really tight! She maintained her easy going personality and laughed and smiled the entire trip. All 3 of the big girls were swimming on their own by the end of the trip, which was very exciting! We had a yummy dinner at The Back Porch, and at my new favorite restaurant Dewey Destin. The seafood there is amazing, and the outdoor setting is perfect for Florida. We did get a few strange looks when we propped Vivie up on the pier by herself for a picture!

Most nights we stayed in and cooked and relaxed in our pajamas. It was so much fun to just hang out with the family and laugh and talk. It is so nice to slow down for a little bit and experience joy through the little things. I love it when we are in Destin and happiness equals someone going underwater for the first time, jumping off the side of the pool all by yourself, sitting on a swing talking, a hermit crab, rice krispy treats, a perfect hot and sunny day, sleeping in, outlet mall shopping, the perfect seafood dinner, I could go on and on.
We are looking forward to next year, when hopefully we can go to the beach again with the family. The memories that are being made with these 5 incredible little girls are priceless, and each summer brings new blessings and new experiences. How fortunate we are to all have each other, and the guarantee that no matter what happens in life there are always people who are going to offer love, laughter, and support. It's even better when that occurs near a beach! :)

Slow Down Vivie!

I am constantly amazed at how much time flies as I get older. I remember as a child waiting for something exciting like Christmas or my birthday, and it seemed like it took forever. Now I am lucky if I even have time to breathe before another significant event rolls around.
Vivie's milestones seem to be approaching one after another, and it seems as though before I can even write something down, she is achieving something else. I had no idea how excited I would get over her grabbing a toy or finding her feet. When excitement used to consist of a manicure, a new dress, and a night out with my friends, it now consists of a Saturday night on the couch while Shane and I watch Vivie just simply exist.

The mixture of emotions surrounding Vivie's milestones is still very confusing for me. As I grow excited to see what this little miracle can accomplish next, I feel this overwhelming sense of wanting to freeze her in time as a 6 month old baby. Yesterday as I was watching her on the monitor around 10 p.m., I saw her pick up her pacifier and try to put it back in her mouth. I watched her for a minute, and Shane said "mommy to the rescue." As I go into her nursery, I discover that she has the paci in her mouth and is back to sleep. To most this probably seems like a major victory, and there are thoughts of her growing more independent and not needing me to give her the pacifier 10 times a day. However, my feelings are rather bittersweet; it was the first time I felt like this was her first step to independence. Most people probably think that is a little silly, but for a mommy who likes feeling needed by her sweet little girl this is a big deal. Shane then laughingly tells me that she will still need me at 45, but as I watch her grow everyday, all I want to do is stop time for a little while. The sense of making of her so happy by just by helping her with her pacifier is very gratifying for me, and it is peaceful for me to know that her lost paci is her biggest problem right now.

Today Vivie is beginning to hold her bottle with both of her little hands, and can even manage to get it into her mouth. Once again, I had this overwhelming feeling of slow down! These feelings are probably connected to the fact that I am about to start back to work and for the first time in 6 months, and she will be away from me all day, 5 days a week. (More on that emotional breakdown later!)
As I watch her each day, my heart leaps with love, excitement,  and joy, and sinks with the thought of the inevitable passing of time. As we approach more and more milestones, I can't help but wonder how I am going to ever let her go not to just to daycare, but to school, to her first sleepover, on her first date, to college, down the aisle, I could go on and on. As I say my prayers today, I am praying to soak up every minute of joy with her, every seemingly small thing she accomplishes, her love, her tears, her smiles, her coos, her baths, her playtime, and everything in between.

Now if I am being realistic, there have been many things that I am glad to be done with, and some that I am looking forward to leaving behind. I don't really miss those sleepless nights, when Vivie's reflux kept her up every hour. Or swaddling, and reswaddling, and reswaddling when she would break free and cry. I am ready to not be a walking burp cloth covered in spitup. I am kind of ready for her to be able to sit up in a grocery cart. And maybe I could do without all these messy diapers! Even with all of that said, the joy she brings is unparalleled to anything I could have ever expected, and all those not so pleasant things are not even all that bad.

One minute she is holding her bottle on her own, and I know it is going to seem like a minute later she is driving off to college. I had no idea how significant all of these little things would be, and how bittersweet it would be to watch her grow, until the one big thing, my boundless love for her arrived on February 2nd 2011.

Vivie and The Fourth of July

What a difference a year makes. On this day last year, I experienced my first episode of true morning sickness while pregnant with Vivie! I remember lying on the bathroom floor with my head on the cool tile and Shane wanting to take a picture to show our unborn child one day. Looking back, I wish that I had let him so I could have documentation of the entire pregnancy experience! I was one of the lucky few that did not have too much nausea, but those mornings when I felt like I could not move because of nausea, exhaustion, and headaches were so worth it because it brought me sweet Vivie.
Fast forward one year, and wow have things changed! Last year I could not even think of eating anything except plain pasta, (if you are wondering, yes Olive Garden is open on the 4th of July and it is not crowded at all) and this year I was able to look forward to all of the yummy cookout food! Last year Shane and I did not see a single firework because I was confined to the couch all weekend. We decided to not to see any this year either, considering Vivie is not a fan of loud, sudden noises. They were beautiful on t.v. though!
My entire family gets together twice a year, with the exception of weddings and funerals, and one of those days is the 4th of July. I was so excited to see Vivie in her red, white, and blue dress and take her to see the family! Vivie had a good time at the cookout, and was so charming for all of her admirers, but it was a little hot for her once she started getting sleepy. I parked myself in front of a fan and she finally, after trying to fight it for a long time, fell asleep on my lap while Daddy enjoyed a snow cone!

After we left the cookout, we headed over to Shane's dad's house where Vivie got to have some more fun with all her cousins! She watched the girls swim and was very impressed by Selah swimming underwater! 

I think Vivie's first 4th of July was fun, but I am looking forward to when she will be able to experience all the yummy food and the fireworks! I am also looking forward to explaining to her why the holiday is so important, and what it truly means to live in the best country in the world. 

Reflecting back over the past year I am amazed at how time flies. It seems as though one minute you are on the bathroom floor as a result of morning sickness, and the next you are holding a precious little sleeping miracle in your lap. 

It's the Little Things

I love the quote by Henry David Thoreau, "Simplify, simplify." As a great thinker of the 19th century, he was really onto something. Life back then looks so simple from a 21st century perspective. What would he think about our crazy, busy, lives today? I am sure he would be appalled by all the stress that we are under and how it is so easy to get caught up in the materialism of America. I know most of us cannot escape to an isolated cabin by Walden pond, but I do try and remind myself of how all the little things make life so great. These are just a few things that make my life better and offer me joy.

I love coming home and cooking dinner for Shane. I love the stability of knowing he is going to walk in the door and kiss me then Vivie and we will share a meal together.
I love that Shane always does what he says he is going to do. He never lets me down because he always keeps his promises, even the little ones like going to the bank or mailing a letter.
I love that the coffee pot can be programmed to go off before I get out of bed and I can wake to the smell of fresh coffee.
I love feeding Vivie a bottle and listening to her little sounds of satisfaction. It is so gratifying to feed a hungry baby.
I love a stack of graded papers.
I love a sleeping Stella in my lap all cuddled up.
I love a bright, sunny morning and all the possibilities of a new day.
I love Saturdays with Shane, eating breakfast, running errands, napping on the couch, cuddling with Vivie and us both staring at her in amazement and with pure joy in our hearts.
I love a warm bath, new pajamas, and clean sheets.
I love going to Joelton to eat with my family and surrounding myself with all the simple memories of growing up in a small town.
I love it when Vivie hangs on to my shirt when I am carrying her. That little hand wrapped around my shirt and knowing that she trusts me completely.
I love Vivie's little toes and how they curl up all the time. And hearing her laugh when I tickle her.
I love sitting in church and feeling peace. I love the fact that one day I will see my dad and Misty again and their sweet smiles.
The best part of my life right now is going into Vivie's room first thing in the morning and seeing her sweet, smiling face and her little legs kicking like crazy. She gets so excited and there is no better feeling in the world than watching her light up the room.

I think for me reflecting on these every once awhile offers so much peace. It's so easy to forget all the simple things, and get caught up in the things that are not important. I am guilty of doing this all the time,  so maybe these simple ideas will remind me of how very blessed I am.

Vivie's First Trip to the Beach

Vivie's first trip to the beach was a major success! I was not sure how she would do in the car for 8 hours, but she was a trooper! Maybe it was the fact that Selah was there to entertain her the whole time. The entire family was able to come down to Florida, even though her daddy missed his plane and was a day late! We had a great time with the family and Vivie's cousins loved getting to spend time with her! 

I think my favorite part of the vacation was that every afternoon Vivie would have a bottle on the beach and then sleep for about 2 hours. One afternoon it was just the 2 of us on the beach and all you could hear were the waves crashing. Watching her sleep in that little tent, listen to the waves, and read a Philippa Gregory novel was pure bliss for me!
Stayed tuned for Vivie on the beach part 2 when we go to Destin with Shane's dad in July!