As I am writing this, tears are being shed for my first born child. Not for Vivie, but for my other baby, my Maltese Stella Pearl. After many discussions and many tears, we have made the decision to find a new home for Stella. Vivie is an aggressive little toddler, and is very curious about the world around her. This includes sweet little Stella. Stella prefers to relax on the couch with no interruptions, and Vivie is interested in what will happen when she pulls Stella's tail. Obviously, this is not a great household dynamic.
Stella is going on a "trial run" tomorrow, and if things work out she will be living with a dear friend of mine who has no idea how much she is putting me at ease.
After days of tears, I am finally gaining a little closure with the idea that Stella will not be cuddled up in my lap every night after Vivie is in bed. The rational and logical side of my brain knows that Stella needs to be in a low-key environment where she can have peace and comfort. The rational and logical side of my brain knows that Vivie may be in danger with Stella around and as her mother I cannot put her in harm's way. The rational and logical side of my brain knows Stella will be so happy without a toddler pulling her hair and chasing her around the house. I know all of these things and keep going over and over them in my mind.
Then there's my heart.....
And it is breaking. I feel sad when I think about not seeing Stella's sweet little face first thing in the morning beside the bed. I feel sad when I think about waking up at 5 and drinking coffee with Stella on my lap before the crazy day begins. I feel sad when I think about going on walks without her. I feel sad thinking about how Stella has been my devoted little companion for the last 3 years.
I know there are bigger problems than this happening as I type these words. I keep telling myself to get over it and realize that losing a dog is not that big of a deal. I have not lost a child or a loved one. I have not lost my house or my job. I have not lost my health or my mind. I need to move on and take comfort in knowing this is the best thing for our family.
This is for the best - I know that it is for both Vivie and Stella. It just hurts so much and I think it will be that way for a while. Sacrifice is hard. I want Stella and Vivie to co-exist in harmony, but that is not my reality right now. I have to think about those two first, and not let my desire to keep my dog with me overwhelm my common sense.
Head versus heart - one of the most fundamental battles we all face every day. Hopefully, one day I will look back on this post and know that I made the right decision.
