I hope that one day you will read this and realize how much I love and treasure you. If you read this as a teenager, I hope you know that everything I do or say to you is because I love you. If you read this as an adult, and more importantly as a mom, I hope you know that you can be anything you want to be. And today, I am struggling with attempting to be a good mother and a working mother, and has been one of the challenges of my life. This is something I really want you to know because if you are anything like me or your father, then you are going to strive every day to be perfect in all you do, and I am not sure if that is a blessing or a curse. If you are reading this one day and you could care less about striving to be perfect, then I will probably think they mixed up the babies in the hospital, because your parents are consumed with this at times. Like I mentioned before, this could be interpreted as a good thing or a bad thing.
I realized 2 weeks ago, that I cannot be a perfect teacher and a perfect mom. It was hard for me to digest, considering I feel like I can juggle anything. Before you were born, my teaching career was my top priority along with my marriage. Teaching is very important to me, and it is something that I try and give 110% for each day. I would spend hours grading essays, reading literary criticism, writing ideas, researching lesson plans, and activities. However, after you came along, that stuff did not seem like such a big deal. (I don't think my students have ever thought it was a big deal)
You caught your first stomach virus and your school called me while I was teaching my 1st block class. They told me you were throwing up, and they could not calm you down. Immediately, I wanted to run out the door and comfort you and tell you everything was going to be ok, but I had 28 kids working on American poetry project who all had a million questions. After finding teachers to take care of the rest of the day, I left school and my juniors, much to their delight I am sure. All I could think about as I was driving way too fast to pick you up, was I need a cape. I really wanted to be in 2 places at one time, and I realized that something eventually will always have to give. I am going to have to accept that I cannot be 100% teacher and 100% mommy. I know many people reading this may wonder why this is difficult for me, but I imagine that most of my working mommy friends know exactly how I feel. It is not easy for me to swallow the fact that I cannot be everything to everyone all at the same time like some kind of superwoman. But that does not mean that I won't try. When I arrived at home with you, I knew comforting you was the only thing I wanted to do at that moment, but this feeling of abandoning my job was still in the back of my mind.
I am working on sorting out these feelings every day, and I know that it is going to be one of the great challenges of my life to accept that I don't wear a cape, nor does anyone but myself expect me to wear one. I hope that if you read this one day, it will give you a sense of pride and peace. No matter what direction your life goes in, I want you to know that I did my very best, and gave you 100% each day of your life. Even though you might not feel like I did, I hope you will understand that I tried as hard as I could. And if you decide to become a working mom, it is okay to feel envious of those moms that get to take their babies to the zoo, lunch, and the park. It is okay to feel guilty for leaving your job to take care of a sick baby. It is okay to struggle with all of these conflicting emotions about absolutely loving your career and your baby at the same time. I am writing as though I have made peace with all this, which is far from the truth. I have to lean on your father, our family, and all my friends for encouragement all the time, and that is okay too.
Even though we are not together every single day, you are always near me and never leave my thoughts. Our time together is so precious, and I hope you know that I tried so hard to absorb every single second of your sweet, sweet spirit.
